The Honeymoon

The third most anticipated time of one's life...The Honeymoon...takes a back backseat only to the wedding day...and attending a Yanni concert live. In Greece. Where you are sitting close enough to smell the shampoo he uses on his hair (you know it has to be that good).
(Or maybe they don't shower that often in Greece...if that's the case...proceed with caution).


The Honeymoon is the driving force behind enduring the Wedding Day....and for some of us a recovery process  due to the Wedding Night (there are so many sights to see...and you must see them all...in one day...everyday...which is why you are so tired....and require so much sleep).


For a very small percentage of us...The Honeymoon is spent basking in the loveliness of the marriage you entered, being fully knowledgeable of and compatible with the person you chose to spend forever after with...also you are probably one that drinks often.


However, for the majority of the rest of us it is the: "post-wedding-pre-real-life-welcome-to-reality-wake-up-call" period (say that five times fast). It can be brutal, which may be why I am skeptical of the innocence of those honeymooning whose spouses end up "falling off" the cruise line balcony, or whose air supply tanks mysteriously "shut-off"--while scuba diving. We've been there. We know what it's like, and trust me, at one point or another we have had those same thoughts running through our heads...jail just scares us more than you (call it an aversion to pant-pocket holding). The Honeymoon is the fancier version of the rest of your life.


There are many ways to go about The Honeymoon. Traditionally, it is planned by the husband (no this is not a liberalist blog...I'm too tired...and it's too complicated to address every sort of marriage situation...another day...another person...). The wife plans The Wedding, the husband plans The Honeymoon. Even-steven. If you as the wife hate The Honeymoon...then guess what....he as the husband can hate The Wedding. Even-steven. Everyone comes out a hater. This is the traditional way, because traditionally, it has worked.


On rare occasions for the innovative thinkers...one of the parties (husband or wife) has the privilege of planning both. I would assume that in this situation it is the wife that ends up planning both...however this is an equal opportunity land...so husbands are free to plan it all too...it is not recommended...and a change in spousal preference down the road may not be surprising if this is the case...but just imagine...the second wedding will be so much prettier than the first.


Then there's the situation I found myself in...the wedding was planned and executed...by yours truly...with the exception of the photographer...no wait...me. So yes...wedding planning equals me. Honeymoon planning equals him. Supposedly. Until he comes and asks for an opinion on places. Queue conversation that followed:
Me: "Surprise me!"
Plan-Lacker: "Surprise as in...somewhere warm....or somewhere cold?"
Me: "Well...I don't really care...sight-seeing would be fun...tropical could be fun...stuck in a room with you could be fun..." (*all conversation was prior to the wedding night...had more information been given...that answer most likely would have changed)
PL: "So...warm?"
Me: "Sure"
PL: "And by sight-seeing you mean...."
Me: "Is there a comma in there? And did you just speak gangsta to me? 'And by sight-seeing, you mean.'"
PL: "No, I just want to get more of a feeling of how you want to spend it."
Me: "I would just love for it to be you and me...mostly alone...somewhere quiet...chill...where we can just hang out and talk and be together." (*)
PL: "Got it."
And by "got it"...he meant....Disneyland.


Yes...we did...the happiest place on earth. Second to the Yanni concert. Our Honeymoon was spent with one Mickey Mouse...and one Goofy...I honestly still don't know what kind of animal he is. Dog? Cow? Confused.


Regardless of the location of The Honeymoon...two common types of people seem to emerge:
*The Go-Doer Spouse: This is the one who pushes the other to go and see the sights, absorb the experience, and live every day to the fullest...because for most it's a once in a lifetime opportunity...so carpe diem.This not only applies to the actual out-and-aboutness of the sight-seeing...but bouts in the bedroom as well. Sleep is of little importance to these people.
*The Vertically Challenged Spouse (not in the way you think...sicko): This is the one who finds it hard to maintain any sort of position but horizontal...meaning...laying down. It is a rare thing to see them standing and walking and moving, as that requires effort, and The Honeymoon is supposed to be effortless. Again...this not only applies to the effortlessness of The Honeymoon day activities...but the nighttime ones too. No effort=Please yes.


What is ironic in all of this is that at some point in the dating period...glimpses of these were shown...and were attractive...and endearing...and we loved it. Enter The Honeymoon. Now we hate it.

The Wedding Night

I feel this post can best be summed up in two minutes. 
As can The Wedding Night.
Thank you I'll be here all week.


Seriously though:
~Wife retreats to bathroom to "slip into something more comfortable" (lie number one of the marriage...it is not comfortable).
~Husband sits on bed...attentively waiting for wife to return.
~Wife realizes it was much easier to put on that comfortable clothing with the help of at least     one other person...but is determined to make an impression.
~Husband becomes a little bored...but remembers what is soon coming...starts making preparations himself.
~Wife gets top half adjusted and buttoned/snapped/tied/laced...remembers there's a bottom half too.
~Husband spots remote...lies nude and watches sports...ultimate heaven.
~Wife exits bathroom...wearing something not even the least bit comfortable...that required sweat, muscle, maybe a tiny bit of blood, and about thirty-minutes. Sees husband in all his glory watching television...wonders if she can slip out before he notices.
~Husband sees wife...mental note to turn off television...bigger mental note to check scores later...is at wife's side in two seconds...with comfortable clothing removed in less than one.


So it's more like thirty minutes...plus two...